Death on the Horizon

You think that when you are confronted with your own mortality that it would have greater impact on your life. It doesn’t. Least not for me. It has made me more aware of my limitations and that time is constrained.

You go on with your life as if you had forever. I know this sounds rather disingenuous, but in my case it is a fact. I get up and go to work. I put my writing on the back burner. I argue with my wife and eat and drink too much and watch too much television.

When I turned 50 four years ago, I came face to face with my own fear of death. I saw the end. It might have been the atrial fibrillation in its 6^th year. At the time, I thought of my own father who died a year after his own retirement at 64. It could have been anything or nothing; I saw my own imminent death on the horizon.

With that a change of behavior should have been a part of the equation. Not at all. I’ve been electrified more than ten times over the past ten years. I still like a well poured Manhattan and too many late night snacks. It is completely illogical behavior, rather human. I’d rather have a drink with my friends than worry about my own longevity. At some point, a person has to prioritize. What should you prioritize? Relationships? Creativity? Adventure? Life.

Do you want to live as long as possible and deny yourself certain pleasures or do you want to live fast and burn out quickly? At 54 life has zoomed past. When I was my son’s age, I’d have never said that, but I have the benefit for of those extra 20 years, and I can say it flies by as retirement creeps up.

Facing my own mortality has done nothing to change me, but if I don’t take it seriously there will be nothing for me but silence. I have to make wholesale changes. I say I’m ready, but there is nothing to stop the bad behavior. Electrification makes bad behavior possible. I have started to make important life style changes such as diet, exercise and alcohol. I want to be able to go and do things without the fear that my heart will hold me back. I am not looking to live to 100, but I am looking to live and ski, run, ride bikes, go 4-wheelin’ and travel.

With all that said, I am afraid of death. I have seen it up close and personal too many times. It is an ugly emptiness. It’s like getting older. It sucks just like getting older. Your mind says one thing and your body says another. I wish my internal matched my external.  That is not the case. So what…

I will head off to the next adventure. There is no time to sit around and whine about it. Put it in the rear view mirror and plod ahead. This is the end or the beginning of the end. Whatever. Have some fun chasing the sun across the surface of the earth.

I will put it all in motion. There is no point in sitting around and dreaming and wishing. Action is all it takes. Time to head out and attack life. This is my mission to see the farthest corner of the world. Taste all that life has to offer.

Live for the moment and look to the present to bring about the changes that make life exciting and worthwhile. See what there is to see. Work for enlightenment and self-actualization. Nothing is greater than knowing yourself.

Always remember there are mountains to ski and oceans to cross. Cultures to clash and words to write. Beers to drink and hospital rooms to visit. What is waiting for me at the end of the rainbow? Don’t know, but I will find out just like everyone does.