What is the point of cosmetic surgery if it is not there to trick us into thinking that death is not inching up on us one day at the time? For me, hitting the age of 50 sent me spiraling down the death path. My morality came into full play. I had been fighting my afib for six years and knew that my life was going to end. I was obsessed with thinking and talking about. Saying things like, “I have 20 years to go (16 today) to reach 70. Everything after that is gravy.
My father died 10 years ago this August and I need to beat
his 64 years. We always competed against each other through the years and there
were times I bested him and he bested me, but in this matter no one gets the
best of it. We all die. I read about death
daily be it a war story or a shooting in the US.
I have not come to terms with the idea that my conscious
will just cease to exist. I have seen death up close and personal. Something
happens to the body when the heart stops beating whether it is a pet or your
parent.
Intellectually, l understand the concept of the universe
existing for billions of years, however, it makes no sense in that we are here
for a blink of a cosmic eye. The fantasy of heaven or the idea of reincarnation
are meaningless in light that we just stop. It seems silly to worry about the
inevitable, but I do.
I cheat death by taking a hand full of pills to keep my
heart beating properly and my blood pressure in a normal range. I have changed
my diet to deal with other potential problems. I don’t want to end up like my
father fighting my weight as he did. I fight it and my impulse to eat beyond
satiation.
All this writing is based on the idea that time is short.
The same goes for traveling. I want to see more of the world. There is no way
to see it all. I love seeing all the different pieces beyond my tiny corner of
the globe. I have a partner that forces me out of comfort zone and that is a
compelling reason to stretch yourself.
Letting fear rule decisions has been a big problem in my
life. It has led to choices that may have stifled my dreams. I don’t really
know how true that last idea is, but I do know that I have lived a life that
for the most part I am proud. Oh, I have some moments that make me cringe to
think about but who doesn’t? There are times I have been a real jerk. Who
hasn’t? I work really hard to keep those to a minimum today. Not so much in my
past.
I what are people going to say when you are gone? I know
there are people that will miss me and others that won’t give a shit and others
that I have harmed will be glad. Those are the ones that hurt the most. I
regret doing harm to people in my past. Some of them still haunt me. They are
the demons that drive me to be a better man, father, husband or friend. I need
to work on these aspects every day.
Bon voyage. You get to find your own way to the inevitable.
I am still searching for mine as well as coming to terms with my own humanity.
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